purple child

the sutta song ..plz listen to it

2006-01-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

Its goes like this ...behanc%^* sutta mujhe sutta na milaa.
After all that rambling, cribbing and criticising I quit headlines today and became a part of another race with another set of people. But here's a small difference. This channel that hasn't launched and I have stopped asking when. Frankly am just soaking this place because there is so much to get used to. I guess this is what the real world is all about. HT shelters you and spoils you and makes you believe that as long as AT exists its okay! Nothing can drastically go wrong.... absolutely nothing.
But this is a place full of interesting people. From sophisticated and suave to downright rude. And by rude i mean "teri maa ki c@#$%.... BC MC and other expletives that pretty much touch upon every part of your anatomy. The first week I just sat absolutely shocked. Even went with an extremely co-operative colleague to a couple of not so friendly places like the special cell of the delhi police.
Saw a couple of ministers for the first time in flesh and blood. And if you haven't you are not missing out on much. But if you really think about it its sad. These are people who represent us in the parliament and these are people who buy sexy SUV's out of taxpayers money. Have disproportionate assets, go in and out of jail, have a coterie there also ..obviously birds of a feather flock together. But i'm not complaining about sadela politicians . Am here to say that my new job rocks. I'm loving it!

Poems

2005-05-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Am not some great fan of Vikram Seth. But here are three of his poems,

Sit, drink your coffee here your work can wait awhile.
You're twenty-six, and still have some of life ahead.
No need for wit; just talk vacuities,
and I'll Reciprocate in kind, or laugh at you instead.
The world is too opaque, distressing and profound.
This twenty minutes' rendezvous will make my day:
To sit here in the sun, with grackles all around,
Staring with beady eyes, and you two feet away.

Here's another one...

Unclaimed

To make love with a stranger is the best.
There is no riddle and there is no test. --To lie and love, not aching to make sense
Of this night in the mesh of reference.
To touch, unclaimed by fear of imminent day,
And understand, as only strangers may.
To feel the beat of foreign heart to heart
Preferring neither to prolong nor part.
To rest within the unknown arms and know
That this is all there is; that this is so.

And this is the last....

Somewhere within your loving look I sense,
Without the least intention to deceive,
Without suspicion, without evidence,
Somewhere within your heart the heart to leave.

Pessimist Vs Optimist

2005-05-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

I think... or wait I don't think anymore. I had these strange notions of television when I was studying. Faster, more communicative, easiar on the language and so on. But that really doesn't seem to be the case. In all honesty the only thing that I do sincerely everyday is read the papers. But does that translate into any value addition ? No.... I picked up technology real fast when I came here. Does it help me? No.... My scripts are straight and boring .. thats what am told but I try reading some of the other scripts... you will wonder when one sentence got over and the other began. Basic journalism please. Write simple sentences that make sense.

So do I take pride in my work? No so much anymore.

I think I got an education sitting with saikat baba and Ch Nandal every evening sharing smokes thoughts etc. Of course I never had much to add but lots to learn. We joked, we laughed, ridiculed people. But there was an education there. I know this seems like someone who has given up on life. But am not that someone. But am afraid I will become one.

There are some of us in this world who make better followers than leaders. I don't know if anyone here is a leader.

And its affecting everything. Obviously because I don't go home and become a new person. I carry this burden of having been a part of something shoddy.

I really have to get up, stretch and yawn and shrug this terrible feeling off me. Before everyone here kills me with their attitude.

I mean EVERYONE .....

The point is that I have always been alone in fighting this feeling. I will be in some ways a loner all my life weather I like it or not.

Thats enough ! The eternal optimist has to take over.

Look who's back

2005-03-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in 50,000 years or atleast thats what it feels like. Anyway don't want to make a dramatic entry and say " so much time has gone by, I got married, had two kids, time to send them to school ......"

But yes somethings happened, I started anchoring on my channel.... ahem ahem...felt very pleased and sometimes highly embarassed of myself. Like there was this time when I had to say " and if you have just joined us , here is a quick look at the headlines we've been following"
Yours truly has a " stuck-on-a-word problem..... so first I said " and for those of you shooshoobhsoo....hahaha got stuck there thrice...and then when i finally got over that I went ahead and said " and for those of you who have just joined us lets look at the recap"... uhh ummm recap of what dahling..? my panel producer, rundown producer, TD etc were all very sweet but this one was too funny.... so we all cracked up.

Then there was this time when the mop on my head decided to have a life of its own. So no matter how much time I spent straightening and styling and gelling and blowdrying my hair they'd some how manage to look messy on air.

Cousin swati is here on a medical visit. some laproscopy thing to be done. By a very punjoo stylish doc who if was not a doc would make such a la di da socialite.....
But swati was here on saturday with an agenda .... not to meet her doc, not to feel nervous (first surgery after all) not anything... but to shop.... and she managed to wander in the streets of Delhi even with that dendroid in her ab. Some of us are like that only.
Saw some really old pictures at SS of the whole family and boy do they look different or what.... felt sad as I flipped through each one. Felt like time just passed by so soon, in so many ways I still rack my brains for one odd memory or the other in each of those pictures.... but what struck me like a darned rod was the fact that our parents dressed us up most hideously...of course they are nice people, mean well, got the best for us... but dirty brown and tight shorts and tee shirt also of the same colour ..... never mind!
Will try to be more regular with this blogging business now...

Some more ramblings

2005-01-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

"Node of all orbits"...... how cool is that.... why can't I come up with something as cool as this?
Anyway it's VR's blog name. And whats mine? purple child.. why? I have no clue although purple is my favourite colour.
speaking of colours I think the best photographs taken are black and white one's . They are timeless and classy. Some of the most elegant pictures taken are b/w. At ACJ we were shown wedding pictures of this model.... a very pretty one with a pretty husband. I have never seen such wonderful b/w wedding pictures.
Speaking of weddings and pictures yours truly has a record of featuring in pictures when dinner is served. Mouthful sometimes handful. Thank god not anymore, although cameramen invariably have a knack of spotting me just when I start eating. And I tell you am not a big eater. I just like the look of a nicely laid table.
Anyway its not just weddings even b'day parties when we were kids. In most of the pictures Nidhi (www.nidhira.blogspot.com) and I would be standing then "click"... the cameraman would decide to take a picture just when the both of us spared a glance at the cake. Now if you look at those pictures you'd think we were salivating. I have a sweet tooth so does Mrs Variava.
But puhleeeez this was a conspiracy of which I have evidence...sadly.

Then there is this collection of badly taken pictures where everything is incoherant. No concept of a subject, ambience etc. Just randomly taken , making someof my relatives look like famished somalians. Really no kidding. Today's feature.... a picture of a young boy, fat young boy let me add, standing next to his very natty looking brother and a very attractive mother. Under a banana tree. Somewhat disciplined. You know the happy to go to school kinds, cause there was this other picture with the same kid, gleeful, smiling from one end of the world to the other. With a satchel and a water bottle. Happy to be a part of some school.
I know I never looked like that when I was heading for school. Jesus ! there are us and then there are these school loving types. We co exist and quite happily so. Don't ask me how.

26th December 2004

2004-12-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

There is life and then there is death. And am ok with both because thats life. But sunday the 26th of December was bad. Sunday after christmas. After a nice party where I got drunk.
unday's are usually dull and boring, not to mention slow and very sleepy. Even in a tv newsroom.
But last sunday was a disaster. The day tsunami came knocking on India's coast and swept away 12,000 people. The earthquake in Indonesia that unleashed the fury of the ocean.

When I left office that day I was exhausted. Because I had never seen so many dead bodies. raw footage. cut vo's . Translating tears into words. When I left office that day the total number of people dead in South Asia was 8000, today the total figure has crossed 1.5 million and whats worse it just doesn't seem to stop.

All in a week. Dead, devastated and destroyed. In Sri Lanka alone more than 40,000 people have died.
Imagine waking up one morning and losing your whole life and everything in it.

I have never heard of an earthquake measuring 8.9 on the richter scale. Perhaps the earthquake in Pompeii? Must cross check on that one.

So new year was very sombre. I did not even touch alcohol, just sat at home and watched TV.
I have very rarely partied during new years. The year gone by ended with atleast 2.5 million people dead or homeless or grief stricken.

Its sunday again and as usual (thank God ) nothing has happened so far.
Its dull and boring and no one's complaining.....

Sunday notes

2004-12-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

A lot happened on Sunday and I have been aching to write about it ever since.
I woke up with two SMSes. Both from Sanjaya informing me about the bomb blast on Saturday in Colombo where ShahRukh Khan was performing. A hand grenade was apparently flung towards the stage and it landed on the VIP area. Two people died and several injured.

I was happy to know that I was one of the first few people to know about all this thanks to sanjaya. Wonder what kind of SMSes await when he goes to Afghanistan. Wonder if he's left already. Lost boy sanj.

The other big news was the death of MS. Felt like my grandmother died all over again. Its amazing how both these women played such a role in bringing music into my life. In most south indian families children are expected to learn any form of fine art, be it music or dance. I started with Bharatanatyam but discontinued when my grandmother discovered that I could sing. Not that I was planning to become the next Rukmini Devi Arundale...but still dance is always more glamorous. So I basically started singing at somewhere around 5 with Vande Vasudevam and Srimannarayana not knowing that I had picked half of the songs from my grandmother and the other half from MS's tapes and record player discs.
There are musicians and then there is MS. I can feel goosebumps even before the tape starts when she strums the tanpura. The alapanais, the kalpanai swaram, Namaramayanam and my favourie Annamacharya kritis especially Entamatramuna. Fair, stocky, diamond studs, diamond nose studs, jasmine flowers around her little bun. Radha Vishwanathan on the side.
I have the entire Hanuman chalisa by heart thanks to hearing that tape everyday of my life. No exaggeration. Even if I didn't pay attention to it some part of it would filter through my head and stay. So one day I just sat with a copy of the chalisa and to my surprise I could just sing without looking at the book.
Then there is her rendition of the Viriboni varnam. Everything about it is a little difficult. Its an Ata talam varnam. And to sing it with so much perfection needs something more than just plain interest in carnatic music. When I used to practice and sing people told me that I have a beautiful voice and that I should never discontinue. I felt like music was shoved down my throat. But it wasn't. I sang because it made me happy.
There won't be an MS ever again. Infact I don't think anyone will be able to sing like her ever.
Bhakti-years of practice-divinity all in one ....super woman. God of music.

School .... yuck.... hell revisited

2004-12-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

Was seeing some school photographs ...actually stumbled upon them by chance. It was such a strange feeling because you might think that there is a part of life that you don't want to recollect and that you will forget it eventually. But those pictures changed my perception. I remember everything including the smell in those class rooms. The sound of the first bell and the sweet sound of the final bell. They were the same but the latter sounded so much more melodious.
I hated school. I hated everything about it including waking up in the morning, shoving a glass ful of milk down my throat and then running to the bus stop which was a good 10 minute walk. I loved vacations. Infact I loved school just a day or two before vacations. It was all so nice. The whole wrapping up and going for a while feeling. Holiday homeworks were assigned but who cared? I still don't regret not being the teacher's pet or the debate competition that I missed because I wasn't confident enough. I was never confident of anything. Infact I was a compulsive backbencher with just one ambition - get back home and go out and play. And thats exactly what am going to make my kids do. If I have the good fortune of making them with my dear boyfriend, it will be a little difficult. You see the love of my life loves talking about his wonderful and celebrated school life. Not only did he stand first in each class ... the bugger had all the time in the world to go for hajjaar debates and guess what ....win all of them ...Damn! and then he meets me.
Howzzat???? His kids I know will be Karimeen eating little bespeckled rats... mine will be sher da patthas (little tigers) ....
oh well.... hmmmm on second thoughts bespeckled (with grey locks) mice will be a better long term investment... no?

Sheesh !

2004-12-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Just wrote an entire blog on alcohol but thanks to this crap internet connection I will have to write it again.
Am not doing that.

He and She II

2004-12-05T22:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't feel like a woman ........ because I don't do things that normal women do.
Please don't take offence .... all you women. It's not a sweeping generalisation.
I can't imagine making someone's life miserable just because I'm having a bad day. I'd like to change a flat tyre. I always have an urge to get into a fist fight with people and beat them up. I like wearing track pants all the time. I think manicures and pedicures are a waste of time and money and effort. I can do without cooking. I like sitting quietly when guys are having a deep conversation even if it is Cristiano Jr's sudden death. I hate running people's lives. Do your own thing I say. I understand men better than other women. Maybe thats because the man in me speaks louder. Some of the most beautiful women according to me are those who possess resilience and show it when they have to. I don't understand men who treat me like eye candy. I don't detest them or avoid them I just don't understand them. If you are doing all my work what am I doing sitting around? Adding to the background value?

Am almost always absent minded about other people's needs. I always talk about my problems first, oblivious to the fact that it is a dialogue.... and that the other person might want to say something. So I guess am not all the things that go into being the perfect woman. A woman as a man would perceive is different from a woman that other women would look at. Or for that matter the woman that i'am is far different from the woman I'd like to be in a few years.

So I wish there is no benchmark in terms of whats acceptable and whats not. My mother getting up at 5:30 am to make us tea is acceptable but it isn't acceptable that I can't or refuse to do the same. Am not a rebel of any kind, am too lazy to be one. I just like doing my things my way. And if I want to do something I 'd do so with all my heart and creativity but give me a lecture on how I ought to...... I'll be so thickskinned that you'll feel sorry that you ever knew me.

This blog should have been titled " Me & Me"

He & She Part I

2004-12-04T07:37:00.000-08:00

Someone sitting next to me a couple of hours ago just looked at me very dreamily and said

"you know the nice thing about being in love is not about where its going and how it will end , but just the feeling of being in it..... is so good"

hmmmm it is true actually and I seriously wonder what happens to all that love when people get married and have kids? where is all that unbridled passion and love/lust whatever. And if marriages are so dull and drabby why do people marry? are they mad?

for eg:

He (from his house...in a groggy + sexy = making her hormones go mad in hyper activity) Good morning..

She (from her house... in a super sexy voice esp in the mornings) Ohh good morning love...whats happ? Di you have breakfast? are you still in potty? ( you think thats gross? wait till you fall in love)

He: Ohhh baby I wish you were here. I would want to wake up every morning with you.
She : (thinking " oh God!waking up to a sexy voice like that every morning)
Now imagine if they lived in the same house:

He ( smelly mouth...sexy voice still) Where's my coffee? (whatever happ to pleasantries ??)

She (After long working hours and even longer love making hours) Coffee?????? Is that you really? The same person? what coffee???? Did you pay the electricity bill? phone bill?

He: Will do today

She : Thanks I'll do it myself

He: why do you have to get started early in the morning yaar?

She: cause you won't ever get started.... until the electricity walla comes and snaps connection...

He: Ok whatever... after 12 hours of slogging for this house can I atleast get a decent cup of coffee in the morning?

She: What do you think I do all day, listen to Mozart? you get more than what you desrve... stop complaining....

I could go on and on and on except that I think with all its ups and downs marriages are still great. If they involve intelligent people . Those who know when to talk and what. When to embrace and when to detach. When to talk and when to shut up. When to give and how to take.
When to say and how.

Whatsay?

Saturday hai ji

2004-12-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading this book five point someone.... not a very great book but I shouldn't say that cause I was laughing everywhere with my face buried in that book. The conductor in the white line that ferries me to work everyday must have thought i'm mad.
But when I look at life before and after ACJ I realise how important it is to go that extra mile to have fun. But I have never been able to throw myself in a situation without feeling a little hesitant or guilty when I do what I do. Its a silly morality issue I think. And the closer i'am to home it bothers me more. It's weird how successful people always do everything with so much involvement. From working to drinking to partying. Work hard, party harder.
I want to party. Its been a while.
Have been trying to avoid getting into a messy marriage situation. But my mother won't give up. I mean she is not supposed to give up. I guess thats why she is my mother. But what is with this middle class way of thinking? Middle class does not mean the money factor. But the mentality which is so stifling. So what if a woman's not married till 27. I mean if she's working, earning , is smart enough to know what she wants out of life then why not let her be?
And whats with this "what will people say"? I mean who are these people ? Bring them home please and I will cite a 100 things that's going wrong in their lives. But do I want to ? Hell no!
I was standing today waiting for the bus when I saw these two kittens playing in this small enclosure. Two little balls of fur. Both attempting to climb a tree. And slipping and falling and trying again. If only anaimals could talk. But I guess its nicer this way. Its nice to try and understand someone's feelings without them having to spell out everything for you. And vice versa.
okok enough gyaan....

Whatever...

2004-11-20T02:31:00.000-08:00

What goes around comes around...I don't know but I feel like saying this to myself. I have come to a conclusion that for every nasty thng I do or say...I receive something equally or more hurting than the hurt I might have caused to others. Well deserved only.
And now for some shocking revelations....I have discovered that am not "chilled out" actually far from it am a hyperventilating, super annoying (under pressure) nail biting, teeth clenching very very un-cool human being. And I really give two hoots about what other people think about me because at the end of the day am also the most forgiving and forget(ting) person.

I interviewed KamalHasan, south india's most celebrated actors. After a harrowing day, the types where there are a lot of events but no story.... really apart from some crappy soft stories...and after all that jazz meeting him gave me such a rush. Sometimes I wonder how lucky i'am. Getting things I have always wanted. And things that I thought are too much to ask for. This was one of them. With atleast a zillion butterflies in my stomach I went to ask him just 4 questions. I have never met anyone so sure of himself. When people aren't self assured they get defensive... like yours truly but not him. The whole interview went off like a breeze......shaking hands with 'he the man' .
I also realised that I might not be a pushy persistent person in my personal life... for instance if am asked not to do something I just would shut off. Getting on peoples nerves is a no no. But for an interview I can bug the crap out of anyone.... if I can interview Kamal I can interview anyone....
Yours Truly
The conceited b@#*h!

Dominic Fernandes

2004-10-25T03:57:00.000-07:00

For all those who read this blog this one is dedicated to Dominic. And I really hope he gets well soon because he's just 17 or 18. He's intelligent and sensitive and very young. He's been fighting this disease since he was a baby. I can't describe in words how much strength this boy has, to endure this for so long. This is when Sharon needs me and I can't be with her. This strange lump in my throat and am trying very hard not to let it show.
The first time Shanu and I spoke about Dom, was sitting at Jains at 11:30 in the night and she was telling me how he went for his first school interview and did it so well. The girl he liked in school. How she looked forward to him starting college. It was really different from my relationship with my brother because its almost as if my brother was born first. Very sensible and all that. So if something were to happen to DJ I wouldn't be able to keep up for too long.

But Sharon and Dominic are just perfect siblings. They are just as mad as I was. Their childhood was like ours. The parents are so similar its unbelivable. Its as if I could walk into their house and strike a conversation with her mum.
So free yet so controlled. Same values. Same questions we asked ourselves (or to others). Good upbringing (the way I see it) and all that jazz.
Just that Dominic has been to the hospital too many times. And I know that he just does not deserve it. He's a good child.

So am just hoping and praying that he comes out of that hospital and doesn't have to go back ever again.

Yellow!

2004-10-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ok purple child finally makes an appearance after a really long time. Really long I say! The last blog was written on Never Mind! Its not as if I haven’t had anything to say but its always been like this. When I had some thing to write I couldn’t find the time and when I did I couldn’t put my thoughts together. And am not really having a blast as far my work is concerned. Feels like I have reached a point here where I need to find the next clue to someplace/thing better and quickly jump.Its like those fancy videogames where that commando type someone is standing in a place and you are frantically moving your mouse in order to get him to a point or open some darned door or fire at some damn virtual enemy. The right click. That’s what I need. The thing about cranky times is the silver lining in the bad time itself. You hope for a better time and it does come ….. Its just taking forever for me.

Winter has finally set in. I love everything about it. The festive spirit. One festival after the other. Well lit roads. Nicely done pandals. Fetes I never go to but once in a while when I walk past huge parks and hear squealing kinds on a giant wheel, its very heart warming. And I dread hunger…. For some strange reason the cold outside makes me incredibly hungry. And I stuff myself like there’s no tomorrow and get depressed when size 28 doesn’t fit! Duh yes! Eat like a giant and then expect an hourglass figure like Nicole Kidman.
Looking forward to nice long walks in Khan Market and Lutyens Delhi. Swatcat will be here in November. Best friends in town already. See! things are looking up already and then there’s that wonderful part of my life that am completely head over heels about.
And that I must say it keeps my spirits soaring even through lousy times at work. Whoever said love shouldn’t bloom at workplace hasn’t seen me in the past few weeks. Touchwood!
Apart from a host of changes taking place within me there is this one thing that am truly experiencing. Things that you can never imagine in your wildest dreams, you end up doing. And you do them better than just average. It’s just about giving your self that opportunity.
I went out on a shoot to a cabinet minister’s office. I must tell you that all these ‘sarkari’ buildings that look like they will fall apart any minute are palatial from inside. And this is the first time I went for an informal “press meets the minister” meeting. It was nothing like I imagined it to be. It was a gathering of a couple of scribes and TV guys who sat huddled in a huge plush sofa with the minister saab right in the middle. And you could sense the tension in everyone around me. There was meekness in the air. There is a difference between choosing the right words while asking a question and being petrified about asking it. It’s this raja-subject business that I detest. All the ‘sir ji’” “please ji” am your-doormat-so-wipe-your-feet-clean and trample all over me ji’ business just puts me off. Everywhere, even at work. Anyway, the minister’s conference room was neat. Wooden flooring. Pretty vases with prettier orchids. Big flat television set. His office was even more beautiful. The sofas were very expensive (not very classy) and comfortable. I just felt like dropping the tripod and sleeping on it. Wooden flooring. A huge mahogany table with a laptop. Very few papers. Very little work I guess. Wooden paneling etc. Nice and plump secretary. Very earnest looking.
After I was done admiring the place, taking a few tips as well I had an incredibly strong urge to fly out of the window. Everything about him and his office made me sick. How can you be so dishonest to your profession and lie through your teeth? I stepped out hoping to see blue sky. But it was dark. I got onto the car. Rolled down the window. And breathed. Fresh Delhi air. Laden with the smell of winter. It felt nice and free.
I think I have grown far beyond admiring pretty houses and big cars. And although I’d love to have all this and more it would mean much more to me if I have all the small pleasures. All of them and monkey.
It’s a fairly simple choice.

Here I'am

2004-09-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Ok.... I have been behaving like a psycho for the past 24 hours. Completely obsessing, obviously letting go of pride and self respect and the result is as expected.....as always. Here I'am.
I am not the only one. Cranky cousin called and was absolutely shocked at her own idiotic behaviour. She has been checking matrimonials for herself. So I spent sometime explaining to her that when parents are very chilled out about certain things one must swing into action immediately. Its a matrimonial for godssake...... just that. Not like knowing a loser for 5 years.

I walked into the office...or no walked into a meeting and found out that the prime time show had one segment that was coming from yours truly....ahhhh such fun. Well it is a lot of fun because I will go and report after what seems like an eternity. All I hope is that I stick to my time. And my schedule. And have my package ready by 8:40 pm. Period.

Have also been haunting my boyfriend and am sure that by the time its time to talk he'd just want to scream at me. Or wait better still do what he does best. The silent treatment.
It's not as if I can be expected to just switch off and on whenever. Anyway there is no need or point in cribbing. Let it be.

Saw the interiors of this spectacular Lutyens' house. Can't imagine living in such a colossal structure. The garden I must admit was very shabby. If I had the pleasure of owning such a beautiful thing....

I'm being and not being unreasonable. Am done for the moment. I hope I learn to let go people and things someday. Before this (very temporary, but acute) feeling of being left alone just consumes me completely.

Smug and bored .....

2004-09-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

Here we are again. At work on a Sunday afternoon. Now why would I do this to myself ? Till last week I had a very good reason to feel elated to come to work on a Sunday afternoon. But not today. His mums over and has to be taken care of. I got on a bad start with the whole thing but I think am really relaxed now because sanity must prevail no matter what. And what you gotta do, you gotta do.

My mother and I had the weirdest conversation in the whole world. It kind of touched my love life and the conveniently got diverted to 'other' things. Now she likes him but for different reasons. Its bizarre how you plan out a discussion so neatly so as to reach a favourable end result but........lets leave it at that, esp since I just got branded as the eternal whiner.

No No am not a whiner ...I crib and I do it beautifully. its my way of expressing dissatisfaction with my self. It takes a lot to do that. To laugh at yourself and be self critical.

I'am looking forward to something more challenging. Like reporting from tomorrow. Wonderful....
I think I should start jogging, running whatever. Cause at this rate I will need a crane to get me out of the apartment when i'am 40. Remember that movie Whats eating Gilbert Grape? That woman who plays Gilbert's mom.... Ouch! Yummmmmm Johnny Depp and of course Leonardo played himself really well. Jokes apart. He was brilliant.

I also need to invite some people over for dinner. Will invite him as well. Lets see how that goes.
As of now I must quickly scoot and get something to eat. Feeling famished. Stomach digesting itself.

Cranky Purple Child !

2004-09-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Was reading some stuff on a colleague's blog...the one thing that caught my attention was the line where she wrote " we women take unbearable amounts of crap from men, but even one mean thing that we say " kills us" I mean it does. Its happened so many times. It reminded me of this really crazy rollercoaster of a relationship I was in once.....

Taking so much bull crap and then feeling shitty about it. Come to think of it with the ex it wasn't normal. I wasn't normal. I was incredibly stupid. And I never gave it back. But I will someday cause it's a small world and we will meet and I will do the most un imaginable.....
But its also true that women sometimes read way too much into words, lines etc.
Must learn to take things on the face value. And know when not to take things on the face value. And that usually amounts to a lot of bull which is usually packaged so well that you have to neatly unwrap it in order to realise its magnanimity. Sometimes it takes you, your best friend and the cat!
But its much better now. You never fall flat on u're face when you learn to trust your instincts. I think am learning to do that. Learning to deal with people of all kinds. Shapes and sizes (naaah plz dont bother exercising fertile imagination)
There are people who's brains have the great wall of china build around them. I mean no amount of signals are enough. The shutters wouldn't open. No matter what.
Some carefully tread along the borderline. Do manage to indulge in some sensible talk. But this is for those who just talk arbid unadulterated non sense. I don't want to listen to you anymore. Have no patience left with your types. Am sorry. I snap. I cut. I feel devastated for you and your likes. Wake up and smell the coffee. Please and understand venomous vibnes from me. Am a nice person. I'am not rude. But there's only so much patience I have.
Ok am done with office for the day. I feel like climbing a mountain. Just flying away somewhere over the rainbow.
Ta folks! Am just pooped beyond belief.

Make it happen!

2004-09-19T03:49:00.000-07:00

Just wrote an entire blog and deleted it because it was all very contrived. I didn't mean to make it sound like that but when I read it there was no flow. The crux of the matter is that the beginning of everything is very nice. But never lose track of reality. Thats what I like about him the most. Honesty mixed with love and reality, That pretty much sums him up. We're both growing up everyday. And it feels nice to acknowledge that. No great shallow promises made. Not from you or from me. Whatever it is, is getting stronger. But I don't know if it will be strong enough to carry this forward till eternity. I really don't know.
No pretensions. None whatsoever. It's like home. The whole feeling. Having you around if I may say so. Like knowing someone for a really long time.
Like someone who'd listen to incessant rambling. make me sing at 2 am (and i did!!!!!!!)
wouldn't always say the smartest things. But exchange niceties with me once in a while.
Oh God if this isn't meant to be then please do freeze some moments in my head. Moments that would give me the strenghth to get past difficult times.
Am happy, hope you are too.
(Little frightened rat speaks from inside the heart : Please make it happen!!!!!!)

Finding my God

2004-09-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

Ya well long time.... lots happened. And all's well. I have been on a very philosophical religious trip for a while now. To understand what God is all about. Have come down to some conclusions the contents of which I will discuss in this blog.
God is omnipresent. He is, atleast thats why we worship him....some of us fear him. When people say things to their children like " Do this or God will punish you" Don't do this or God will not give you this that and all that jazz... they automatically make their children fear God. But no one needs to fear him. Thats number one.

God was here much before we were born. So please some of us need not make rules for others to follow.

Faith is what makes people pray....You know whats amazing. They can have faith in a little stone idol. They can't seem to have one hundredth of that in themselves. That is so sad. Because (yes I know its wrong to start a sentence like that)

So who is God and where is he? Well the way I see it he's here in all of us. In each of us he is there in the form of a conscience. The voice within and we always have the choice. To do the right thing or the wrong. And thats what makes the world. People. The Right and wrong. The Left and right. The twisted and the straight. It takes all kinds to make this world.

It's simple folks, if God were to understand only Sanskrit or Latin Or Hebrew then how will the rickshaw puller find him? He'd be Godless because he doesn't know any of the above mentioned languages. But he is not like that. He's everybody's. From mine to yours to the milkman to the leper, the hungry dog with menengitis. The fact of the matter is that if God was an exclusivist the way we think he is, then he wouldn't be God.
And reasoning is the best part of being a human. Its really that simple.
Religion makes for most of the issues in the world. But we were to realise that the when we evolved from the molecular stage and finally walked on two legs on the face of this planet we didnt seem to need God. We did, eventually. Until then we followed instincts. We came a long way. We have.
And religion was formulated to discipline mankind. In herds, groups. To reinstate faith. To know that there was someone who is watching us. Our actions. So how does it matter whether you pray every Friday or every Sunday. If he's in your heart. He's always with you. But if you are trying to seek him by fearing him then there's no point. Its a vicious circle. The more you fear the more you indulge in activities that suck you into an undending rigmarole.
I'm not preaching, am talking to myself, addressing myself. Telling myself that if I do my work with all that I have in me I can make it really big.
Thank you God. Thank you for being here. Within me.

Whatever.....

2004-08-28T03:37:00.000-07:00

It's Onam today. And it is of no consequence to me because we don't celebrate it anyway. No navaratri, diwali etc for us. Somoene in the family passed away. Not that we burst crackers and lose it like other Delhiites do. In fact by 11 pm I have quite had it with an apartment full of smoke and lots of untouched sweets in the fridge. It happens every year.
Last year though when I was in Chennai I almost died in the morning because I heard a loud blast and mini blasts that followed. I woke up and saw this strange mist. Or what looked like mist. Of course when the hell in Chennai would there be any mist. Chennai has everything except winters and water. Anyway I realised sometime later that it was Diwali and then I spent the rest of the morning explaining to my north Indian friends as to why South Indians celebrate diwali in the mornings.
I was told yesterday by someone that my Tamil speaking abilities suck and I'm influenced greatly by northiindia....why? because Diwali for me is lighting diyas and putting rangoli. Well I have come to believe that every festival has a certain charm which is different for everyone.
As for me its a collection of vague yet precious memories. Memories of my grandmother deep frying things in the kitchen. Lots of sweets. New clothes. Onset of my favourite season - winter.
Of my mother dressed in pretty kanjivarams. guests. more sweets. Joint family. Swati and I ending up wearing identical clothes. First cribbing. Then loving the attention. No school. No homework , atleast on Diwali. Then looking forward to christmas, velankani church. Dhananjay's accident. Carols with sneha. All of this and more so I don't care which part of India influenced me more. For me this is what matters, this is what I will live to pass on to my kids. Just the joy of being together. North,south East, west... wherever whenever.

Birthdays and ramblings

2004-08-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

Can't remember the last time i was happy on my b'day. cause it's depressing to grow up.but birthday parties were so much fun when we were kids(my bro and i) we used to have such a gr8 time planning every game that we would play and the gifts and the return gifts, the streamers or buntings whatever u call them, the smell of the cake . opening the fridge to see if it really was there, 5 pm friends start coming , dressed up in their birthday best, frills and and pink and the boys in their shorts and they'd sit in groups and that was so silly because just until half an hour ago boys and girls would be just people playing together rolling in the park hide and seek, cheating while counting and then in their birthday best they'd be all quiet and hesitant to speak to each other.same for the girls. and then cake cutting, ice breaking and the madness would resume. little 5 year old minds become all of 5 yrs again. frills and shorts altogether like before. i miss that. i hate growing up where every word u say is scrutinised, read between lines, interpreted....i know cause i do that! chips samosas and sandwiches and jelly. and rasna . i loved watching my mother make rasna. was very fascinated with the colour.how she celebrated my birth. just to make me feel happy to be born. when i hadnt done anything great. just for being her child.for being a part of her.birthdays were fun.growing up was even better.only sometimes i feel i could go on a vacation to childhood.ha wishful thinking.

Wash....rinse....repeat

2004-08-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

I wrote a ridiculous mail to Anirudhh. I'am the eternal nag. But this was for his own good. About washing clothes. I'am so sure that if he does not read that mail he will wash the white's with the coloured or vice versa. Washing clothes is an art. This is for those who have not mastered the art of washing. The most therapeutic activity. First take your clothes and segregate them. Ah! you guessed....whites and the coloured. Then take the pure whites. And I mean just plain pure whites. No creams, beiges, brown, lightbrown etc. They come in next. Now that you have segregated them soak them in different buckets with detergent and warm water for half an hour. But if your clothes are grimy and dirty then put them in the machine and rinse them in warm water first. Don't put jeans and whites together. Your whites will turn yellow or some other colour for sure. And always rinse your clothes again. Cause the detergents will give you a rash in unmentionable places.
Undergarments should never be mixed with linen or tee shirts. Socks and undergarments is a strict no no. Wash the 'chads' yourself. That's the point I'm trying to make. But if you must wash them in the machine put them seperately. For the sake of the hygeine God.
Folding bed sheets is another art. As is folding or no.... wait, re folding newspapers after you have read them once or twice or whatever.
Dhananjay are you listening to me???????

Stagnating

2004-08-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

I realise that sitting and doing visuals for seniors might get me somewhere like an AP or something like that status. But that's not too much. Nothing is too much if you look at the larger picture of everything. No thing, No one, Not an incident or a dream. Everything loses its importance and you learn to move on. But am going to take my bit from here and go. Have given up on myself many a times before but not this time.
I just read this whole chapter on Knanaite christians. Who came from Syria. Jacobites and Marthomites and the Puthankootukars etc. All very interesting. Won't remember much beacuse the site from where I read it was full of detail.
The arrogance that comes from knowing more is very exciting.
Arrogance is exciting but I think it should be measured. In terms of how much and who with.
Have to run now.

Stress Puppy 2

2004-07-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

The stress puppy strikes again. If you think about all the three seperately and then put them together it's quite funny. Stress + puppy+ strikes.
Ya so let me showoff GTB has merged with OBC. After being served a moratorium ..... what a depressing word. Sounds like a morgue. Well it is in a way in a morgue now. The anchor got shouted at for churning out his own questions. It was loud and very loud.
I had a nice heart to heart with P. She is an absolute sweetheart and no she isn't your sugar coated full of shit person. But she's like one of us. Moody perhaps but nice. It felt like a real conversation after a long time.
I also got an e-mailf rom P S. I was shocked to know that he still remembered me. I fought with him over the issue of 'India Shining' back in college. Not only is he a developmental journalist, he is also a master performer. There is a way by which young minds can be moulded and it's easier when you have a bunch of young enthusiastic people whose minds are like sponge. Very absorbent. Its easy to say "look at that rich industrialist" and then " look at that beggar" and say there is so much disparity. Hell No! no disparity. One man has the oppurtunity the other doesn't. You might want to give him the chance to make his life better but is it fair to take something from someone who has earned all of that and just give it to someone who's needy or poor. That's neither fair nor practical .
PS also spoke about how in France old people died because it got very hot, the summer of 2001/02 and they did not have air conditioning. This is bizarre..... what about USSR which collapsed like a pack of cards. The land of Marx and Lenin.
And nobody is accomodating enough to let you thrive along with your ideology. If its a capitalistic society, the socialists will not be allowed to preach and vice versa.
So preach if you wish to but don't try and brain wash. Allow people to think for themselves because thats how minds evolve. Try looking at everything rationally. It takes the rich the poor, the have's the have not's, the needy, the not so needy, the healthy and the sick, the intelligent and the stupid....it takes all kinds to make this world.
Because rationality is the core, the very basic and the only tool that helps us think straight and helps us look at the larger picture. We are all at the end of the day animals...well not literally but more or less. We think about ourselves, our next meal, our kin, our territory first and there is no reason why we shouldn't. I wish people would acknowledge that first and then go on any other trip.

Vacationing family

2004-06-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

Yes thats mine. They have left for a nice long vacation to Kerala,Chennai and Bangalore today. And for the first time in 23 years I'm not going with them. I think I have grown up. Strange but you never realise this until you miss out on small pleasures in life. It's the end of an era. I'm out of the loop now. I will not vacation with my folks anymore. Because am working and I cannot take holidays whenever I want to.
I remember the first few years of taking a trip down south, with my mother and great grandmother and then in later years with my grandmother. Train timings were always confirmed a month in advance because of my mother who's hyper behaviour drove us nuts (still does) and my father on the other extreme moved around like jazz music(still does).
My brother never packs until the last minute and I always have something small but consequential left until the last minute.
My father has never packed, will never do.
I pack for my mother beacuse she is hyperventilating.
Then comes the train tea/coffee and train omelette and home food packed for train. The ultimate mission of all the women in my family is to convert a train into a fully functional home.
Incidentally the men in my family always make it a point to turn nostalgic about filter coffee when they sip train coffee. They also get dirty looks form their respective spouses.
There are chips, biscuits, soft drinks, omelettes (train) banana chips, sweets and finally an upset stomach because eating and sleeping in various positions leads to indigestion.

Then the co-passengers, uncomfortable in the beginning but by midday they have become your whole new world. You even know which college they went to, where they met their wives, how many jobs they changed.

The kids (I believe now) are an indispensible part of my train journeys. No matter what time of the year it may be...they are there. Dirty little feet, dirty faces, eager to talk to you but dont know where to make a start. When they finally do make a start they never stop.....
They want to know everything about you....silly things. Then they are eager to show you their antics..that are scary at times. Then watching the parents blush in embarrasment at the things they say and do is another trip altogether.....

Rest in the next